So, there’s a woman doing her Master’s thesis on fairy-tale princesses in literature and modern culture (and she has a questionnaire that you could fill out to help her), which prompted me to think about what sort of princesses I want to expose Squish to once she’s, you know, focusing both eyes at things.
I think it’s a safe bet that the Disney princesses will be invading our house. Luckily, they will be joined by Princess Fiona and Eve, and I’m led to believe that the direct-to-video princess sequels feature princess that, you know, do something rather than wait to be saved and have their value as chattel confirmed by the stature of the prince who saves them. So we won’t be wholly inundated with, ah, less-than-optimal role models. We already have a copy of Coraline and the Song of the Lioness just waiting for when Squish can read, as well. We’re looking forward and being proactive, but there’s still, and probably always will be, a part of me that worries about what media the little one consumes.
Because I am who I am, this line of thinking immediately veers into “well, I should write and self-publish the sort of stuff I want to read to my kids” which is, somewhat amusingly, not a wholly ridiculous notion. It would be trivial to take any given fairy-tale and gender-swap every character in it, for instance, although I don’t know how useful it would be to commodify the prince instead of commodifying the princess. A little more work, and I might consider some sort of stand-alone “modern fairy tale” with male and female characters who are, you know, characters, and not prizes to be won. A whole lot more work, and I could figure out how to write “The Real Story of Cinderella” which interleaves with the traditional one, telling about all her off-camera hijinx where she was, you know, a character and not a prize to be won.
Of course, there are obstacles to such a venture — I wish I could do my own art, but I really can’t. And it’s not like I need another project on my plate. We’re going to have a baby, for cryin out loud, I’m going to be busy, and starting projects I don’t finish drives me craaaaazy. Still and all, it’s one of those ideas that just floats there in the back of my mind, haunting me with the possibility of doing something kinda neat…
8 Comments on “Fairy Tales for my Princess”
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Hola! It’s getting hard to ever comment on your LJ bloggo what with never having comments enabled, what’s up wit’ dat?
Anyway, I have some suggestions for kick-ass ‘princesses’ to expose your child to, and it can be summed up with one word:
Miyazaki
Hiyo Miyazaki is such a kick ass animator and also makes excellent stories about strong little girls that it would be a crime not to expose your daughter to these movies at an early age. Morgan was watching these movies when she was 3, and she loves every minute of every one. Even the scary bits in Howl’s Moving Castle don’t frighten her (she watched it with me the first time so she could hide if need be). They are moral tales without having any religious or specific societal baggage tacked on, and they’re just damn beautiful to look at.
The big thing is to not stress about it too much, and you will. New parents always do. The biggest mistake I see parents doing all the time is ASKING their child what their child wants to do, eat, drink, watch, etc.. They forget that as parents we need to build a structured world for the child so that it doesn’t feel threatened or feel like it needs to take charge and make demands because they think you can’t decide.
That doesn’t mean I don’t give Morgan any choices, I do, and she will get larger and more complex choices as she grows older. What it means is that I decide what choices she needs to make and let her pick from amongst a limited selection. This is relevant in EVERY aspect of her life. From who’s going to put her to bed (we switch off every night, unless there are extenuating circumstances) at night to what she wears every day.
To a non-parent or even a helicopter parent (who according to any psychologist who understands pack behavior is a Beta pack mate to the child’s Alpha) this may sound harsh, but it isn’t. I know very well that I need to give her more and more room to grow and be free the older she gets. For now her choices are very limited, but then she’s also very young.
She has less stress and choices to worry about so she is much happier, more able to cope when things do get topsy turvy, and in her life they have been plenty of those, and unlike many of her friends she is more willing to listen to reason when we explain that something isn’t going to be the way she wanted. Not because she is a little robot, but because since she hasn’t had to worry about a bunch of choices, and because she trusts her parents to make good choices and keep their word to her as often as possible she understands that what we ask of her _when_ we ask her is because we want her genuine input and her understanding.
The easiest way I sum this up is the phrase, “Tell don’t Ask.” You may think that she’s special and doesn’t fuss as much as some kids, but in my experience when I’ve been put in charge of a large group of kids where there are multiple children who’s parents always ask their child’s permission about everything it still works. The kids recognize me immediately as an authority figure and after they’ve seen I’m trying to let them have a good time, and not hassle them too much, except when I am keeping them safe, feed, or healthy they don’t worry about it.
Kids are all different, but they’re also all the same. For babies you kind of live at their schedule when their first born because they don’t understand schedules or work or the outside world. They just need food when they need it, they crap when they need to, and sleep the rest of the time. Once that phase is past is when you need to start exerting your authority so that they feel secure and safe. Once they realize there is a big world out there they will want protection and someone to guide them through the world, and that person is you.
But relax, it’s simple, and after a short while you get the hang of it, and while you can’t shield your child from all the bad stuff out there (it’s like trying to stop porn or piracy on the internet) you can be sure to expose her to the positive things (and maybe try and minimize the bad). I understand this a little better than most since I’ve been put in the position where I have to minimize the damage Morgan’s cokehead mom and boyfriend do to Morgan. So I see that I can’t keep Morgan from talking to her mom or ever seeing her (although I can limit it to safe environments and schedules), and I can expose her to a healthy relationship and home. She then gets to decide which she prefers and I already know that she prefers the healthy life. The life were a five year old doesn’t have to worry about her own mother’s health because she passed out in the shower coming down from a big high.
So chill, focus on the good, tell don’t ask, and your kid will be fine.
Posted on 13 January 2009 at 2:57 pm.
So you have full custody these days? That’s fantastic!
And thanks for the constrained-choices tip — that looks like gold! Any other princesses or heroines you like for Morgan?
Posted on 13 January 2009 at 4:09 pm.
Not really a “princess” in the classical sense, but Dora the Explorer is actually a really awesome show. She and her friend (a monkey!) wander out in the woods and have adventures in her imagination, solving problems and learning things. The adults don’t bail them out; they’re hardly in the show at all, except as supporting characters at the destination of the journey. It’s not Milton, but it’s perfect for a certain age range (where Mikayla is now).
Posted on 13 January 2009 at 11:07 pm.
Dora is a good role-model for boys and girls (her cousin is in the show as a boy), but after 4 or so she get’s a little young.
I can’t think of any specific heroines off the top of my head right now, but I have used real world examples and I did tell her more about Hua Mulan after watching the Disney movie which is all about being a kick-ass girl – and fun/funny in its own right. ^_^
I noticed that my post rambled like crazy, apologies abound, and yes, I have primary custody and actually looking to limit her mom soon because she is still messed up with drugs and not doing well at all. I don’t want to put Morgan in an unsafe situation like that. Morgan will probably spend the summers with her grandparents and get to see her mom when her mom visits her, but not stay with her, if everything works out in court.
Posted on 14 January 2009 at 8:36 am.
I don’t have any suggestions off the top of my head (although the general lack of strong female role models bothers me immensely), but just so you know when I was a kid my mom went through a large majority of my books and modified them as you said. My favorite is when she went through a book called “The Puppy Who Wanted a Boy” and wrote “or a girl” next to every single line that mentioned the boy. I think she might have drawn dialogue boxes in about equality too, ha.
Posted on 14 February 2009 at 11:37 am.
Not a princess as much as a queen but Esther is always my first choice. “The Ordinary Princess” is a great book too. Sita (Ramayana) is a splendid woman (and YOU KNOW you can get picture book versions).Oh there are tons of strong, beautiful women…Circe, Ariadne, Queen Maeve kicks some butt too…How about Miriam? Tho not all royal, they are all amazing women whose stories are at least partly worthy of emulation.
ps…Belle is my favvy of the Disney girls…she gets the cool library and the cute blue eyed prince in the end. *wink*
LOVE TO YOU GUYS!
Posted on 17 February 2009 at 10:22 pm.
Dori, do you have sources / examples of stories where Circe, Ariadne, and Maeve aren’t, you know, the evil and malicious bad guy of the story?
Posted on 18 February 2009 at 9:47 am.
hmmmmm I will look into that. Well…Maeve is kinda always seen as a bit naughty, and I kinda like that about her…but there is some feminist criticism that re-visions Circe and Ariadne. I will look into it!! The problem, I suspect, is that these characters have been misunderstood. *grin* The witch is not necessarily evil..she is powerful. It is their POWER that people fear. Personally, it is that power which I find to be such an important attribute to pass along to girls in this world which can be, in its structure, so inherently misogynistic.
I’ll be in touch soon.
D
Posted on 18 February 2009 at 12:07 pm.